116 True Life in God Notebook 14 Lord, I was fearing to become like a boat without oars and be drifted backwards, losing all what I was taught by You! I panicked! Vassula, I have to purify you; learn that by purifying a soul, the soul will go through terrible fears and anguishes; but I am telling you this, that languishing for Me inclines you to be raised into this blessing; Which is? which is contemplation; I want your love to reach perfection, giving yourself entirely to Me; Jesus, my soul longs for You. little one, do I not long for you too? 1we, us; come, let us go; (Now I understand Jesus is teaching me two things at the same time: contemplation and to have insight. On July 26, it was as if God was preparing me for this change; for already the following day I felt as if His Light was withdrawn slightly, I panicked. Immediately my soul started to search the reason, as I’m guilty and full of sin. I searched which were those sins that might have angered Him so much as to withdraw slightly His light, had I offended Him? Or could it be Satan doing this to me? I thought that if it’s either, I because of exactly this should all the more cling tighter on my Saviour, pray more than usual, meditate more, fully use all other graces given to me, feel His Presence, talk to Him more than ever, never forget His Presence, work like I never worked so hard. If it’s Satan, he’ll flee fuming, so I’ll let him fume and he’ll leave me alone. On the other hand, if it comes from God, a test, I would like to pass it like a good student; I want Him smiling. 1We, us = He reminds me to talk to Him, using those two words. Several days passed, no change, my strength was giving in, I was beginning to panic now, I tried to serve Him with more fervour and devotion, but I could not understand yet why all this was not helping, at least that’s what I believed. Then my Saviour and Teacher explained to me what was happening. When I thought He had abandoned me, He was but purifying me, lifting me into a higher level of meditation, developing my intellect, and infusing it with a subtle2 light, nourishing me with insight.) August 10, 1987 (Last night I was wakened up by the Lord and He asked me to surrender, all over again. My words were: “Thank You, Father, for having looked upon me, who is but the personification of the sins of this world. Thank You for Your Mercy when I denied You. Thank You for the Love You have for me. In spite of my guilt, You have lifted me into Your Heart. Allow me to be near You, near Your feet. Already by allowing me this it is more than I deserve. Allowing me to talk to You is more than I merit, I merit nothing. Father, I surrender completely. I know I’m nothing but this nothing belongs to You. You want to throw me in a corner, do it. You want to trample me, do it. You want me to suffer only, do it. You want me in Your Heart then it is more then I ever deserved. 2 It’s obvious that even when I explain my own feelings, God is dictating them to me. The word ‘subtle’ was loudly said to me as I was hesitating how to describe this light. I looked it up in the dictionary to find out what it meant, I didn’t know ...
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